


Animal I Have Become

by ObsidianJade



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: Friendship, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-01
Updated: 2011-05-01
Packaged: 2017-10-18 21:12:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/193356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsidianJade/pseuds/ObsidianJade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Adam reads fanfictions and has perverse theories on unicorns, and Kris gets a little (metaphorically) crabby.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Animal I Have Become

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Adam Lambert and Kris Allen are real people, and this story is simply an exercise of my very demented mind. No rights are assumed or implied and no profit is made.
> 
> Title taken from the song by Three Days Grace.

“Wait, I get turned into a _what_?”

“A crab,” Adam repeated, squinting a little at the screen of his phone and smirking. “And then I have to kiss you in order to un-crab you.” He regarded the phone for a moment more, amusement radiating off him in waves, before continuing, “You know, between you, me, and crabs, there’s a few jokes I could -”

“Don’t go there, Adam,” Kris interrupted, still trying to process the indignity of being turned into a _crab_ , of all things.

Adam glanced up again, eyes sparkling as much with mirth as with glittery purple eyeliner. “If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been turned into animals, too,” he offered, a smile tugging at the corners of his gloss-shiny lips.

Kris lowered the guitar magazine he was perusing enough to meet Adam’s eyes, and let his eyebrows rise in silent question.

“A dragon -”

“Like that’s a stretch.”

“A unicorn -”

Kris snorted.

“I know, right? Virgin females, so not my thing. And anyway, what does the unicorn do with the virgin female once it’s got them? I mean, does anyone else find it weird that a symbol of virgin purity has a very large, very prominent horn as its most noticeable feature?”

“....Adam, you are taking my mind to a very bad place,” Kris informed him, burying his nose back in the magazine.

“Yeah, no kidding. Someone on Twitter asked if I had a zoophilia fetish the other day. I mean seriously, even for my fans, that’s kind of _out there_ as a question, don’t you think?”

“Considering some of your fans that I’ve met? Not really, no.”

“.....Kris Allen, are you insulting my Glamily?”

“Not insulting so much as making an observation,” Kris answered with a sigh, folding down the corner of the page he’d been trying to read for the past ten minutes and setting the magazine aside. “So, what else have you been turned into?”

“Oh! Um, a frog.”

“....a _frog_?” Kris echoed, not entirely sure he’d heard right. Because a crab was weird enough, but why would someone want to turn Adam into a frog?

“Yeah, a poison dart frog. They’re black and blue and shiny and totally awesome!”

Okay, so maybe turning Adam into a frog _did_ make sense, when it was explained like that.

“And we’ve both been vampires and werewolves and fairies, too. Oh, and mermen.”

“....Twilight has a lot to answer for,” Kris answered, when he’d finally managed to collect enough pieces of his suddenly very broken brain. “And, wait, fairies?”

“Well, technically, you were a pixie and I was half-Sidhe, but -”

“A _pixie_?”

Adam shrugged unhelpfully, trying with very great effort and very little success to conceal his snickers. “You’re tiny.”

“Still. A _pixie_?”

“Hey, c’mon. It’s not like they mean anything bad by it,” Adam soothed, abandoning his phone on the table with Kris’ magazine and dropping onto the couch beside him. “But you know what all of those stories have in common?”

“Other than proving that our joint fanbase is incredibly weird?”   

“Again with the insults? Our joint fanbase is the reason we’re here, you know!”

“Again, not insults. Observations,” Kris corrected with a sigh, not objecting when Adam curled an arm around his shoulders and pulled him over, so that they wound up sprawled across one another on the couch. “And no,” he added, his nose half-buried in the front of Adam’s shirt. “What do they have in common?”

Adam’s soft laughter vibrated through his chest. “No matter what we’re turned into,” he answered softly, big hands skimming gently down the length of Kris’ back, “we always wind up together in the end.”

Curling a little tighter against Adam’s solid warmth, Kris breathed in deeply, inhaling the hundred familiar scents that spoke to him of comfort and love.

“Well,” he mumbled into the soft fabric over Adam’s heart, “at least they’ve got that right.”

**Author's Note:**

> My thanks and apologies to AraSigyrn, CydSA, minglingcrab, Camden, and nymphaea for poking at their stories in particular; they actually rank among my favorite Kradam authors, but this piece of absurdity bit me in the rump and I couldn’t shake it off. Hope everyone enjoyed it!


End file.
